Because I'm Your Mother, That's Why

Really? Four months?

2010-03-08T21:34:00.002-06:00

I am a blog slacker. I have had very little to say that would seem constructive in this setting. But life has been easing up a bit, getting back in the groove of the business of living. I still am deep in the grieving process, but it's getting better.

I have not been a faithful kettlebell enthusiast of late. I took up yoga again after a rather long absence, and have been averaging 4-5 classes a week. I initially wanted to balance yoga and kbs, but I find that emotionally, I get a lot more out of yoga. My kettlebells are here, they're not going anywhere, it's not a membership I have to pay, and that's a nice feeling. But I just don't want to swing these days. I put Addie in all day kindergarten last month, and now I have the actual free time to do what I like. It's an awesome feeling.

My body composition has changed a lot since increasing my yoga practice. I don't want to use the adjective 'solid' - but that's how I feel. Muscular. Grounded. I'm very aware of how I sit, stand, walk. Not to mention the calmness it brings to my frazzled, cluttered mind.

So that's where I'm at these days. Not exciting, not eloquent, I know. But I've had more than enough strife to write about for the last 2 years. So you'll forgive my silence. Wrting will come back to me eventually. Just not right now.

2009-11-10T09:22:00.002-06:00

I still don't know where I'm at. My emotions swing up and down, and I'm still sad. But I get angry at myself for feeling depressed, I just want to move on. I wish I could fast forward things a few more months, but I can't. I just have to feel it.

I'm afraid to talk about my weight loss, for fear I'll jinx myself. I'm 126 as of this morning. I have been walking every day, KBs about 2- 3 times a week. Swinging longer sets, swinging heavier. I eat very very little. Coffee and non dairy creamer for breakfast. Lunch is either a raw food bar or protein bar, sometimes a small salad, sometimes nothing. Dinner is usually healthy and sensible: meat or fish, salad, veggie. I'm not no carb, I'll have rice or potatoes, but not every day. I try not to snack, but sometimes I do. I monitor my portions, never finish what's on my plate (especially at a restaurant). I have indulged in ice cream, but not every night. I don't count calories, I have no idea what I take in every day. But I am using common sense. Less food, more activity=weight loss. It's not a secret, it's fairly easy. Since my dad died, my relationship with food has become far less complicated. I don't feel the compulsive need to cook and bake large quantities of unhealthy (but tasty!) food. That was a big part of dad's life. It's the one area where I feel... liberated. I will still do the holiday cooking and baking, but it will be on a much smaller scale. And I'll give a lot away.

I am the happiest with my body than I've been in a really long time. It's a great feeling to have clothes be loose, to be able to wear things I haven't in 10 years or more. To have people do a double take and tell me how tiny I've become. I used to always cover my stomach up with a pillow or my purse or jacket when I'd sit down, I'd be so embarrassed of my squishy mama belly. And while I am a long way from a flat stomach (skin will not be the same after 3 kids) everything is toning and tightening and looking so much better.

I think it was either Rif or Tracy that said, in regards to weight loss 'it's simple, but it ain't easy.' Right now, though, it feels easy to me. That may be because I don't want to eat right now. It may be after affects of shock and depression. We'll see in a few months. But I know this: I want to continue to look and feel like this. I don't want to be, weight wise, where I was a year ago. Not ever again. And I'm the only one who can make that happen.

"You are with me and you are everything"

2009-10-19T13:51:00.003-05:00

Where have I been? Does anyone even check this blog anymore?

Well, I've been over at the Cancer blog, and if you know mw at all, you've been reading that. I now feel very blog-less, as Dad is gone, and this blog was very centered on workout routines and food obsessions. I am somewhere in between the two, both nowhere and everywhere. I am still very much consumed with what the last 18 months have been to our family, and the ripples are still ebbing out farther away from the epicenter of it all. The rest of the world is in full stride, and here I struggle to get in step. I stumble, trip, sometimes stop all together. I want so desperately to find my normal again. What 'normal' is, continues to evolve for all of us. I still don't sleep, barely eat. I am overwhelmed with my own grief, and yet I have to deal with the grief of my children and mother. I feel compelled to be the strong one, yet inside, I am breaking to pieces.

If I've learned anything throughout this, it's that life is fleeting and fragile, and it shouldn't be wasted worrying about bullshit. I've learned that there are people that step up to the plate when there's tragedy, and then there are those who won't. For whatever reasons, they cannot be there for you. I have been appalled and angry at individuals I thought were my friends, but I have come to a form of acceptance. I pity those who can't trudge through with someone they care about. I find it sad that they will never truly experience the full range of emotion life can bring. It's not just about the sweetness and joy; it's about the sadness, bitterness, and grief. Sharing with someone in their darkest hours is deeply intimate, and I will forever feel a connectedness to those who reached out to me while my father lay dying.

I no longer fear death. As a child, it terrified me. I could not imagine anything worse than my parents dying, or me dying. I have found serene peace in all of this. Death will come for me, someday, I hope not too soon, but when it does, all I pray for is a beautiful death. It is a journey, a pathway to the cosmos, and I feel immensely and profoundly honored that I could walk that path with Dad. I couldn't follow him all the way, but I stood on the shore and waved goodbye, and watched him drift away. What greater honor is there than that?

The completely vain and earth-centered side of me is delighted at the side effect of caring for a dying father 24/7 for a month: I weighed 128 this morning. I haven't seen this side of the scale in close to eight years. Unfortunately, I haven't done any exercising - no kettlebells, no walking, nothing, so while I am skinny as hell, I am flab. I picked a up the 12kg today and eased into it with 200 singles, which kicked my ass. I am trying to look at my weight loss as a fortuitous gift, and try to maintain as I tone and build muscle. What they say is true: weight loss is mostly about food, not exercise!

I don't know what this blog or the other one will become. I don't know where I'll post or what I'll post about. But I'm still here.

All you hear is time stand still in travel
And feel such peace and absolute
The stillness still that doesn't end
But slowly drifts into sleep
The greatest thing you've ever seen
And they're there for you
For you alone you are the everything
For you alone you are the everything

Workout post ad naseum

2009-01-12T13:52:00.002-06:00

500 swings - umm, not sure f the exact breakdown, sets of about 150 reps? Some singles, a lot of 10 per arm before transfer. In between sets, would do squat thrusts (20), squats (10), and lunges (10 - lunges and squats with 8kg cleaned on each shoulder).

Tired now, stressed. Taking Trixie to be put to sleep in an hour. Not a fun day, but what can you do?

workout post

2009-01-09T12:00:00.002-06:00

300 kb reps - no gymboss or timed sets - 155 swings, mixing up single trans and 5 per arm w/ 8kg, then the rest single trans and then 50 of 5 per arm with a c&p before transfer.

Bike ride up to get Addie with the tag along attachment, and pulling her 40 pounds of dead weight home "I'm too tired to pedal, mommy" - and now, I am beat!

Eating vegetable korma and chicken leftovers (homemade, not bad.) no rice. Eating has been vastly better. Late night eating is better, though I'm making pies today - got company coming for dessert, and I plan on ALL leftovers leaving the house!

Where I say 'why yes, I AM out of shape'

2009-01-07T11:32:00.002-06:00

Workout day. Oy.

200 continuous swings - 100 single trans, 100 5 per arm with 8kg.

20 medicine ball slams

10 squat thrusts

AND scene!

Ow. I have a lot of work to do! It didn't help that I am having tummy issues today. But no excuses. As quick as I lose muscle, I always gain it back in an equally timely fashion.

Bryan and I are in the thinking/dreaming/talking stages about moving overseas. After... the end of this crap. Not to be morbid. It's nice to dream about the future, about a life vastly different than what I have now. Nothing concrete, or even close. Just daydreams, for now.

No real blogging until after the holidays

2008-12-18T11:13:00.005-06:00

But I'll leave you with a daily dose of kitten cuteness to tide you over. This is little Moses, our Ragdoll kitten. Santa's elves brought him early! He's already got a long list of micknames: Mo, Momo, Mosey, Mose, Mojito, Mohinder (anybody watch Heroes?), and Mozambique. Notice the big ass band aid on my wrist? No, I didn't try to kill myself, he has claws like f-ing Wolverine!

Happy Holidays, internets!

Where I am reminded why I train in the basement and that I have really low ceilings

2008-12-11T12:00:00.002-06:00

500 reps today - 200 swings with the 8kg (10 per arm before transfer) and then another 200, but broken down like this: 40 with both 8kgs, 5 swings, then double C&P. Yeah, 40 was all I could do. Wow, that was a little intense. Switched to the single 8kg, did 5 per arm, with a C&P before transferring. Then the last 100 of that set, I did snatch, neg. press, press, transfer after each 5th swing. Make sense? Then 100 swings with the 12kg.

Oh, and I dropped a KB for the first time in ages. There is s big dent in the floor. Oops. Also, tried to do some burpees, and umm, yeah, hit my hands on the ceiling. That's going to have to be an outdoor activity. And since it's 12 degrees out, that means SPRING!

M'kay, cookies to bake (and not eat!). I'm off.

workout post

2008-12-09T21:38:00.002-06:00

900 reps - and no, I could not push through to 1000. Let's just say the senna leaf tea I drank this morning kicked in. With a vengeance.

Anyway, non-timed sets again. 200 continuous reps with 8kg (twice through = 400) 100 with the 12kg (twice through = 200) 200 with the 8kg, 100 with the 12kg. Mostly swinging 5 or ten per arm. Not a lot of single transfers.

Anyway, that's it. Getting over this nasty cold thing. Feeling better. By the way, it is a lot harder to cut sodium out of your diet rather than sugar. Salt is in everything! But man, a few days low sodium and my bloat is GONE. Amazing.

2008-12-08T10:04:00.003-06:00

I've been sickety sick these last few days, and been dealing with a sick old dog, too. Will post when life is semi normal again.....

just.... stuff

2008-12-03T15:59:00.002-06:00

mental notes:

mocha from broadway in the morning

nothing until about 1pm (thank you assholes at the cancer center. I love waiting around hours for appointments) when I then inhaled a small bag of bar b q potato chips (individual size, not like a big sack) and 3/4 of an Odwalla juice from the cancer center's snack place. Again, THANKS. Note to self: bring a Lara Bar next time in case it runs over. Because it will.

then a protein shake with a banana and cashew butter (TBsp) about 1:45.

coffee with half and half now (4pm)

dinner will be salmon and veggies cooked in parchment paper. And I know I'll want something sweet to eat afterwards, so I'm trying to think what to plan on - must have a plan, or it all goes to shit. Any ideas?

Where I kick some serious ass

2008-12-02T20:02:00.002-06:00

KB workout tonight. Husband out for the night. Left the 13 year old in charge of the younger ones, and instructed him not to interrupt me unless it involves blood, broken bones, or fire.

740 reps. Different routine to shake things up: didn't do timed sets. 200 continuous swings 8kg (mixed up doing single transfers with swinging 5 per arm before transfer) rested 1-2 minutes(?) then did another 200 swings with the 8kg. Rested. Then did 100 swings with the 12kg. Rested. Another 100 with the 12kg. Rest. Had to break up the swings with the 16kg into sets of 20, did 3 sets (60) couldn't do anymore, switched down to 12kg and finished at 700. Then 40 C&P with the 8kg. I could hear the natives getting restless upstairs, so I decided that was a good stopping point. My original plan was to travel back down the same way, but maybe next time.

Food today:

coffee and half and half in the morning

coffee mid morning

protein shake with banana and raspberries at 1pm

bowl of veggie chili with three beans and roasted poblanos 3:45pm

apple with 1 Tbsp cashew butter 4:30pm

1/2 cup rice with shredded chicken 5pm

Hoping I'm done.

That's typical of how I eat. Not a lot until about 2pm, then a lot of eating in a few hours. Once I start, I can't stop, even with 'good' food. I have no idea what the above calories are. I'm bad with figuring for homemade recipes.

Alright, Henry needs a bath, then bed for the rugrats. Thank god.

Where I realize yes, winter is really here, and begin my hatred of those who live in temperate climates all over again

2008-12-02T13:26:00.002-06:00

Yes, I know, I've been dying for winter to get here. Yes, I love the change of seasons. But now that it's really cold, and I can't bike or get out and walk as much, is it okay to hate where I live? Oh, and yeah, you smug motherfuckers in your 70 degree and sunny year round weather? Bite me!

Moving on, I am reminded in this cold weather how much I truly detest the treadmill. It is so. Damn. Boring. I plugged away last night on my road to nowhere for almost an hour - a short walk, if I were outside. I typically try to walk or ride as far as I can. I don't come home until I am exhausted. The treadmill is just so.... unnatural. My stride on it is shortened, my posture on it sucks. I'm always worried I'm going to zone out and fall, so I hunch over and stare at the ground. I did walk outside a few nights ago, but it was really cold. I thought my face was going to freeze off. Time to break out the balaclava, which makes me look like a terrorist a la Black September, but keeps my face warm. Unstylishly, scarily warm.

I've been living on protein shakes and trying to eat sensible dinners. I've said this before - and seriously, for me, eating something, no matter how healthy, just leads to more eating. Does that make any sense? If I can get by on liquids and just not eating, it's far easier for me to exercise willpower. I pretty much am like this if I get the slightest hint of something good. Just a bite! Yes, craziness, I know.

I had a total breakdown while trying on outfits for the annual holiday party we go to. My weight is back up (as I knew it would be - you can't lose 5 pounds overnight and expect it to stay off. I lost it from not eating and stress due to a dying cat. Not the healthiest way to go.) but I said to my husband 'I just can't believe I let myself get like this'. And it's true, this is me at my heaviest. One hundred and forty pounds. Not obese by most standards, but by my own, I am hideous. Fat. Grotesque. I cannot stand to look at myself. I hate living in this body. I have always been slender, muscular, cute. This is killing me. I can honestly see where eating disorders stem from - I never really understood it, but then again, I used to be able to eat whatever and not gain an ounce. I can see where you reach the point of 'screw it, I'm not eating.' Which I know, is bad, I'm not stupid. But I'm just frustrated and angry. I eat well, I don't eat processed crap. I eat lean meats and veggies and greens. I eat fruits and nuts. Yes, I indulge in ice cream, but not constantly, I'm not bingeing all day.

I've been trying to up the ante on my workouts. More exertion, and less food. Which is hard. It's hard when I don't feel like I have enough fuel to power a workout. It's hard to go to bed and feel hungry and not just go eat something. But I hate how I look so much, I'm willing to fucking deal with it. I can't pull the cancer card as an excuse, no matter how valid an excuse it is. Dad's illness isn't going away, life is going to continue to be stressful, and I will continue to have no time for me. This will just get worse, not better. So what, do I just keep getter fatter? Does my personal life make it okay? No, I don't think so.

I feel a lot like I'm being sabotaged by my entire family. I never get an uninterrupted workout - ever. It's constant interruptions, constant requests to run errands for my mother or to take my dad somewhere. I don't ask for a lot. My parents never babysit- even before dad was sick. I don't think wanting 30-45 minutes a day is unreasonable. But apparently, it is.

Wow, I didn't realize I was going to vent so much. I'm just really resentful. And knowing it's not going to change makes it so much harder. Something has got to give.

workout post

2008-11-30T21:03:00.002-06:00

400 swings - wow, really had a hard time getting my groove on. Tried to follow this pattern: 2 minute swing sets 12kg, 1 minute rest, 1 minute snatch set 8kg, 1 minute rest, repeat. I made it through 2 rounds of that before I wanted. To. Die. It was a mish mosh after that. Threw in some 2 handed 16kg swings at the end. And I am DONE.

Where it's a fucking holiday

2008-11-26T18:46:00.005-06:00

This is my 'You kids get off my lawn!' look:

Still life with bourbon and jelly jar glass. Crazy Mom with drinking problem and silly apron.

Thanksgiving must be here.....

I swear I only make the pecan pie because it calls for bourbon.

2008-11-25T21:39:00.002-06:00

Wow, I'm proud of myself. There was no bingeing or over eating of any kind tonight. It was a very crowded, busy party, and I took Dad with me, so I was more focused on making sure he had enough to eat and drink. I finally made it through the very long line... and the food was pretty well picked over, and not hot. I'm a bit of a food snob, and becoming more so since I'm really trying to watch every bite that goes into my mouth. I want it to count! I want it to be food I really want to eat, and that tastes wonderful - if not, what's the point? Especially if it's going to be a 'cheat' meal? So I picked at a little turkey, a few brussel sprouts, and that was about it. I did have a very small slice of the pie I made, and that is all. The interesting thing I noticed - I was famished, stomach growling on the way down, couldn't wait to stuff my face, but then once we got there and I got in caregiver mode, I sort of forgot I was hungry. The urge to eat a lot just went away. Interesting.

Dad had a lot of fun and ate enough for the both of us. I kept loading up his plate. He has lost a lot of weight, and he needs to fatten up a bit. I was glad he and I got a little 'date' out without the rest of the family. I know in years to come, I will cherish these memories.

Where I swing and start to feel like myself

2008-11-25T17:32:00.002-06:00

Let's see.... 502 swings in timed sets of 2 min on/ 1 min off. Swung with the 12kg, because after a few reps with the 8kg, I knew it wasn't going to do it. If you can swing and you're bored and not working up a sweat, it's time to move on and up. After hitting 502, I turned off the gymboss and picked up the 16kg and did some un-timed sets. I did single transfers in sets of 10-15 until I hit 565. Then I did 50 C&P with the 8kg, in sets of 5 per arm. I tried to really use my whole body for the C&P, instead of just thinking about my arms. It worked incredibly well. It was a good workout.

I think the zoloft is about out of my system. I can tell mostly at night, because that tends to be my anxiety time. But I'm dealing, and I feel more normal -normal for me. My weight is still hovering around 136, which is drastically better than what it has been. My days look like this: morning coffee with half and half or cream, then I take my CLA, omega 3, calcium (found out at the doc that I've shrunk, yaay for me), vitamin E and probiotic. At lunch I make a protein shake with either water or skim milk (depending on my hunger), psyllium fiber, flax seeds, and some berries. I usually have a Lara bar an hour or so after that. Then dinner I try to have be something healthy and/or light. Last night was beet greens and carrots sauteed with a little bacon and garlic. It was good. Unfortunately, tonight I'm going to a friend's for an early Thanksgiving. I'm going to make every attempt to control myself.

Alright, I'm off to shower and get ready to go.

Where I look to the future

2008-11-23T11:26:00.002-06:00

We went and looked at kittens yesterday, both shelter kitties and at a breeder. We had planned to also go look at a second breeder today (Maine Coons), but after seeing the little guy pictured above, I told my husband 'I think we're done'. He's five weeks old, a Ragdoll breed, and he's a mitted blue lynx point with a blaze. The blaze refers to the white stripe on his nose. He was so wee and tiny I thought my head would explode from the unbridled cuteness. He loved to snuggle, and when we put him down, he would trot after Bryan on his wobbly, unsteady little kitten legs. She had other kittens, but this guy.... we were in total agreement that he was The One. He'll be ready by Christmas, hopefully, and we're already discussing the best way to present him to the kids Christmas Eve. We're thinking a basket with a red blanket, maybe a bow and some holly. We don't have a name picked out yet, but we're tossed a few around. Right now I'm liking 'Speck' - pronounced 'shpeck' - it's german for bacon. I don't know why I find that so hilarious. I'm looking at other yiddish/hebrew names, too. I like 'Barnabas' because it means 'son of comfort'. And Mendel meant 'comforter'. But Bryan isn't sold on that name. I don't know, I think Barney is cute.

That's all for now. I'm off to go put a deposit on little no name.

Where I lose 5 pounds in 24 hours

2008-11-20T15:50:00.002-06:00

Seriously. I stepped on the scale, and I'm down to 135. I was 14o yesterday.

Here's the rundown: been off zoloft for several days, thinking it might be the culprit to my weight gain and weight not budging. Ate very little yesterday (was on a fast for bloodwork) and have been on these supplements: CLA, OMega 3, vitamin E, probiotic, and ginseng. Oh, and I was up all night with a kitten having seizures every 15 minutes, all night. No sleep, no food= wow, weight gone. Today I had coffee, supplements, and just had a protein shake. Too sad and stressed to eat. Yaay stress diet!

I kid, it sucks. Not the way I wanted to lose the weight, but if I'm going to be depressed, i might as well fit back into my jeans. Do not take diet advice from me. Fer reals.

2008-11-20T09:37:00.002-06:00

Dear Mendel,

Thank you for being a part of our family. You may have only been with us a short time, but you brought us so much joy. I know Dad loved spending time with you, and the kids adored you. It was a hard decision to let you go, but after spending the last few days watching you have seizures and be unable to walk, it didn't seem fair to let you go on. I know you're in a better place, and I know I will see you again.

Love, mommy

2008-11-17T09:27:00.002-06:00

Dad's not doing well. He nearly fell over today trying to get some cereal down from the cupboard, Mom had to catch him. He hasn't had any brain scans in awhile, and I'm worried that it's running rampant. I'm not posting this on Dad's blog because I don't know what's going on, and I can't deal with people calling me or Mom with questions. I can't take the roller coaster much longer, the stress of this life is physically hurting. It's hard enough to deal with Dad being so sick, but the stress my Mom puts on me is even greater. She falls apart over everything, and I have to be the strong one. I don't get to fall apart. And... the facade is crumbling. I can't do it for everyone, I can't be the rock for my entire family, it's too hard.

Dad is dying, and there is nothing I can do about it. I have never felt so helpless in all my life. There is nothing I can do to alter the outcome of this. Nothing.

Quick workout post

2008-11-16T09:12:00.002-06:00

Only 325 reps today - have to get the kids ready for church. 2 minute sets with the 12kg, alternated with 3 minute sets with the 8kg. Finished with 20 snatches. Haven't done those in a looong time. Yowch! That's it for now, still working through the food stuff and finding a balance that works for me, but feel like I'm getting there.

Where I do a lot of thinking, but not a lot of writing

2008-11-14T14:17:00.003-06:00

I have had about 10 blog posts rolling around in my head for awhile, but when I sit to write... I just don't have the energy.

I've been thinking a lot about food and how I eat, and why, and how much food do I really need to consume in one day? I know I (and a lot of other folks) eat way more than my body needs. The last few days I've been analyzing how I feel before I reach for food. Am I really that hungry? Or am I just bored? Sad? Angry? Lonely? I've eaten very little the last few days, and been do a lot of reading about raw eating. I've always found it intriguing, but when it came down to actually trying it - I always thought 'oh, I could never do that, it'd be way too hard!' I'm still on the fence, but here's a rundown of food today (and bear in mind I'm not too hungry and am preoccupied with other stuff emotionally): Cafe Mocha this morning, Lara Bar and banana mid morning, apple and a handful of almonds about 20 minutes ago. Yesterday was about the same, with tuna sushi rolls for dinner. Not exactly raw, but definitely less food, and lighter fare, and healthier. I don't know, I have a lot going on in my head these days, but I can't seem to focus it here.

Workout Post

2008-11-12T12:36:00.002-06:00

605 reps - 470 with the 8kg in 4 min on/off, the rest with the 12kg in 1:1 ratio. Four min. sets were rotated as in other routines, a min. of single transfers, min. of swinging twice before transfer, a min. of 5 swings per arm before transfer, then a min of roundabouts.

I am in LOVE with the peanut butter cookie Lara Bars. I love Lara Bars anyway, but this new flavor is so yummy, you'd swear it's loaded with bad stuff. Ingredients? Dates, peanuts, and salt. I had one this morning as I was leaving Whole Foods and was ravenous (no breakfast) and devoured it in about a half a minute! I think it will do the trick when I have a sweet tooth.

Lunch: leftover lentil/brown rice, topped with sauteed wilted kale cooked in with bacon and garlic. It was good.

Note to self

2008-11-11T19:00:00.002-06:00

Today has been: coffee and half and half 8:30am

2 eggs and turkey bacon

bowl of lentil and brown rice leftover from yesterday 1:30pm

bowl of cream of wheat 3:45pm

golden delicious apple 5 pm

I'm not super hungry, but if I don't eat something sensible now, I'll most likely end up eating oreos or ice cream. I didn't make dinner - between Henry's early cub scout meeting and my general tiredness, it didn't happen. I think I have some grilled meat in the freezer. Maybe that? Nothing sounds good.

I'd like to walk, but it's been raining all day, and still drizzling, and I'm just not that dedicated.

Where I eat some good stuff

2008-11-10T19:29:00.003-06:00

I made a dish inspired by this post at Melting Mama. It sounded good and so easy to make, and it was. I caramelized onions, then cooked the brown rice in that with some chicken stock. I cooked the lentils separately and added them in. I ate it cold for lunch, and it was delish.

Dinner was steaks (they were a tad on the tough side, so I didn't eat much) and eggplant sauteed with garlic, wilted kale, and goat cheese. It was creamy and good, and the kids ate it well. My only snack today has been about 20 almonds and a few dried cherries. I had cream of wheat for 'dessert' - mostly because I was still hungry and it's filling (and I love it). It was a good day, as far as choices go. Plus, a kb workout and 3 hours of raking and bagging leaves in 35 degree weather. I'm beat.

workout post

2008-11-10T07:30:00.001-06:00

Up at 6:30 - my cat was making weird noises that woke me up, then I stepped in cat puke on the way to the bathroom. At that point, I was awake, so I figured I'd go get in a quick swing set. 400 reps, sets of 2 min on, one min. off. No real structure to the sets, it was a mish mosh, but I got it done.

Where I get on with it

2008-11-09T14:24:00.002-06:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last several days, about the direction of my life. I've gotten so derailed and distracted in the last seven months, and I've lost sight of everything I've wanted in life. I've completely lost trust and faith in myself. I've lost my way, in every area of my life, it seems. I can't change the situation with Dad. He's very sick. He will die at some point in the near future. That is a terrifying prospect for me, but staying awake nights and laying around all day won't alter the outcome in any way. My kids have a ghost of a mother, my husband has no wife. I feel like I operate from day to day with no joy, no optimism, no anticipation of any kind. It's no way to live. It's not living.

I think of it in terms of the life span of my mother's parents and my Dad: I could very well be at the half way point of my life. I'm 36, and both grandparents lived to be 57 and 59. My Dad is 65. His sister, my Aunt who dies in June, was 60. I don't come from a line of longevity. It puts things in perspective, especially as I've watched my Mom be consumed by fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, resentment. It's a wasted life. I may very well live a long life, but the point is: I don't know. I feel like regardless of what hurricane is currently swirling around me and wreaking havoc, I have to learn to stand still and remember that I still need to live my life and be as happy and content as I can. I need to do the things that bring me joy, I need to enjoy the life I have with my children. I need to let go of slights and anger and pettiness.

I'm not entirely sure how to go about this, but I feel empowered in just the realization that I can't go on like this for one more minute. I'm starting with things one at a time. I've been working over the last few days to really get my house in order. Cluttered house=cluttered mind. I'm trying to get back to a routine, as well as getting the kids to have more responsibilities. My next hurdle is eating and food. I've been emotionally eating and I'm thoroughly disgusted with myself. I have no excuse. I won't even try to give one, it's just zero self control. I won't go into any detail about what I'm going to do and how I'm going to eat because: I know this. I know exactly what I need to eat, and how much, and when to stop. I just haven't been doing it. I've let cancer take over my life, and despite the awfulness of it, it's no damn excuse.

I'm trying, really and truly. It's difficult, but I miss what I was, how I felt. I miss my goals. I miss my confidence. I miss my husband. But I know it will be better.

Where I exist

2008-11-06T22:18:00.002-06:00

I'm not living much these days, just existing.

It's all taking it's toll on me - my Dad, the demands my Mom puts on me, the kids, the house. I'm sick, and I do thinks it's my body throwing up it's hands and crying uncle. I'm tired all the time, but I seem to be getting more sleep than I normally do. I don't want to go out, see people, do things. I feel mostly socially inept and cut off from the normal world. And it's not anything that can be helped by a night out with the girls. I don't know what can help. I'm at a loss, I'm out of ideas.

I get in bike rides when I can - usually interrupted by several phone calls from my mother - and average swinging once a week, if I'm lucky. Those usually get interrupted, too. I don't get a lot of time to myself, and I don't feel selfish in wanting an hour here or there. And yet, somehow, it is deemed selfish. And I wonder how long I can go on like this, functioning along, meeting everyone's needs but my own, feeling guilty if I stop for even a moment to think about my life, or what I might want or need. I'm tired, angry, resentful. I'm sick of being bugged about 'when I'm going to update Dad's blog.' And then - my favorite - being told what I can and cannot say in said blog. I'm glad people like to read what I write, and I'm glad people think I'm a good writer, but it's not something I look forward to if I'm being censored and given 'tips' from someone who can't spell pretty much anything.

I didn't mean for this to turn into such a rant. It just came spilling out. I was trying to give a brief explanation of why I haven't been writing and where I've been, and I guess I have done that. Tomorrow is yet another day of the grind, and I hope to be less sick than I have been the last few days. I hope to be able to swing KBs and maybe pick up my house. I hope to be able to shake of the crushing and constant criticism I hear every day. I hope to be able to want to get out of bed. I used to look forward to each day, and lately, not so much. But I still have hope that it will get better.

Where I'm still here

2008-10-29T22:36:00.002-05:00

I'm alive, just not blogging. Dad's health is teetering a little, so between that and the election, my mind is elsewhere.

But, need to blog this before I forget: 500 KB swings, in 3 min. on/ 1 min. off sets, similar protocol as last time in rotating each minute. Half the amount I usually do, but I was tired and in a hurry to get over to the Cancer Center to hear the news of Dad's scans. It was a good news - bad news thing, I really don't feel like talking about it. I'll put up a post in the next few days on my other blog.

Working on the food issue. I've been a little better the last few days, but nighttime is my really difficult time. I just want to graze. And also: am I the only one that feels like eating leads to more eating? Does that sound crazy? I can not eat anything until 2-3pm and feel fine, not tempted by anything, but then once I eat something, it's like the floodgates open, and I just want more and more. I can't figure it out.

Alright, I'm tired as hell. Bed. Now.

Where I can fit in my jeans again, thank you jesus

2008-10-24T10:21:00.002-05:00

The bread bloat is mostly gone, and now I need to really get serious. I can't rely on zoloft to curb my appetite, when obviously, it's leveled out and not giving me that side affect anymore. Bummer.

I don't necessarily eat when I'm stressed. I don't tend to be a candy binge kind of girl, or a whole bag of chips, or anything like that. No, when I'm stressed or sad, I bake. It's the most comforting thing for me. It conjures up the happiest childhood memories for me. Mom in the kitchen, wearing her apron with the French hen on it, me playing with the scraps of dough and making little 'pies', the snow coming down outside, just feeling cozy and safe.

So I bake, and it sits on the counter, and I nibble. And nibble. And nibble a little more. Maybe it's time to fire up the business again so I give it all away!

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Baking to stave off the sadness of what's going on with Dad.

Time to work on de-flea-ing the upstairs now. Finished the downstairs last night. I am so over this.

Damn the bread! Damn it all to hell!!!!!

2008-10-23T20:02:00.003-05:00

Okay, I also have an issue with throwing food away.... especially something that I have labored over. I went to pick up my baskets from the school, and was horrified to see that there were about 20 rolls left - all dried out and still in the basket. All that work, totally a waste. I couldn't bring myself to throw them away....

So I made bread pudding. With a bourbon sauce.

I know. I know. I KNOW, OKAY!! Total self sabotage! I thought 'I'll make this for the kids' - yeah, right! Now, I didn't binge, but I did have a bowl of it (it was divine, in case you were wondering. Chock full of golden raisins, cranberries, and almonds.) and I had such a good day up until then. Just what I needed. More bread in my gut. I am an idiot.

I haven't done any swinging yet, I have spent the day de-flea-ing the house. Still not done. I found a flea crawling on Addie this evening. Blech. I am not squeamish, but I don't like them on my kid.

Okay, I just looked down and found one crawling on me. Got to go pour bleach on my entire house. Ew.

Where my pets get fleas and I eat too much bread

2008-10-23T09:16:00.002-05:00

I bathed 2 dogs and 3 cats yesterday. It was less than fun. Poor Mendel, he was so cute, sitting on the bathroom floor with an inquisitive look as I got the tub ready. His little head cocked to one side, as if to say 'what are you doing?' Then I put him in the water, and he was horrified. I have done load after load of laundry, sprayed toxic crap all over, and I am still not done. Blergh.

I volunteered to make bread for the teacher's appreciation dinner, and naturally made some for us. Bad, bad idea. I have two downfalls when it comes to bingeing: ice cream and homemade bread. I don't even want to know how much I ate - but it wasn't good. And I don't process white bread well at all, so I am insanely bloated today. I see very little eating and a lot of water and green tea in my future. I have to flush this out, I feel ill. And today is a swing day, too. Yikes!

All right, I'm off

Where I do lots of riding, swinging, and stand for 5 hours to see Obama

2008-10-19T21:38:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm keeping this one short and sweet, because I plan on doing a blog update on Dad's site about seeing Obama, but suffice it to say, the experience can be included under workouts, too! I put my bike on Bryan's car and drove to Rachel's house - she lives at 36th and Harrison, a few miles from the Liberty Memorial where Obama was speaking - and rode over. My plan was to avoid traffic and parking when I was coming out. It was a nice, hilly ride, and then 5 hours of standing. There were 75,000 people. It was nuts! I didn't get as close as I'd like, but it was still cool to see him and hear him speak. I was very inspired! Anyway, when it was over, I hopped on my bike and tried to bypass the pedestrians. I got out onto he road and zipped through traffic - got to Rachel's house in about 15 minutes, put the bike on the rack, and drove home. I called a friend who also went, and she was still in the parking lot! I was almost home!

Anyhoo, I did 1,050 swings tonight. Four minutes of work, two minutes of rest. Taking a page from Tracy's Handbook, I broke down the sets like this:

minute 1 - single transfers

minute 2 - 2 swings, then transfer

minute 3 - 'roundabouts'

minute 4 - 5 swings per arm, then transfer

Tomorrow will be a bike ride to Westport, and yoga if I'm not too tired.

Where I get back to 1,000 swings

2008-10-15T12:53:00.002-05:00

1,030 swings to be exact. In 30 minutes, with swing sets of 3 minutes, rest sets of a minute. It was a tad on the brutal side - and that was with the 8kg, only one set with the 12kg! I've been so focused on upping my weights, I hadn't used the 8kg much, except for double C&P and snatches. For swings, I mostly try to stick with the 12 and 16kg. I didn't think the 8 could ever feel heavy again, but doing longer sets, uh, yeah. It did. I only did one set with the 12, because 2 minutes in, I knew I wouldn't be able to do 3 minute sets. I tried to follow a pattern of 1 min. single transfers, 1 min. swing 5, transfer, swing 5, 1 min. swing 10, trans, swing 10. Towards the end, though, it was single transfers all the way while fighting off feeling lightheaded.

So that was good. It was a fun change up, and I liked getting the numbers in quickly.

Where my coffee maker breaks and it's pouring rain

2008-10-15T09:27:00.002-05:00

Aauuurgh!

A broken coffee pot is a sad, sad thing. I was all set to come home and make a pot of Roasterie chocolate coffee, and alas, it is no more. I needed a new one anyway, and now I can get the one with the insulated carafe. But still, it is sucky out, and I was not planning on going back out after i dropped of Addie. Blergh.

The rain, obviously, means no biking today. In the toss up between yoga and KBs, I think KBs are going to win today. Bryan is at the office for a change, kids are all gone, and I blissfully have the house to myself. I'm going to experiment with my set length today, going for longer sets and shorter rest periods (the pre-gymboss era of sets I used to do) instead of one minute on, one minute off. It's time to change it up. I've been in a rut.

I'm still frustrated with my body, but trying to overcome it. It's clear: while I do put in a lot of time exercising, something is not working and needs to be changed up.

I'm making calls for the Obama campaign tonight, then watching the final debate. And that's my day.

Where I dream

2008-10-14T19:47:00.002-05:00

I could not resist a ride tonight - despite my sore legs. I know, I should have swung, but it's such a nice cool fall night, and we were going to the 'Math and Science Night' at Henry's school - so I figured I just ride my bike and meet them there.

Coming home, it was already dark, and there's no light on my bike. It reminded me of a recurring dream I would have as a kid - where I'd be walking down my street in the dark, and I would begin to run, taking bounding leaps that would get progressively higher and I would pause ever so slightly in mid air, then I'd float, then I'd be flying. My dream would seem so real, I'd always be sad when I'd wake up and realize it wasn't real. Sailing down a pitch black street tonight, no cars, no people, just the indigo sky, stars, and me, it felt like I was flying. I felt free.

Where I am in pain

2008-10-14T09:05:00.002-05:00

Oh my sweet baby jesus - I can't tell you how much I hurt today! I actually woke up in the middle of the night because my quads hurt so much! Maybe I did a bit much? It's a good thing it's a rainy day, because honestly, pain or not, I'd probably be hopping on my bike anyway!

So my dilemma is: yoga or KBs? I haven't swung in awhile, and need to, though I'm not sure if it would be good for my soreness (help stretch out the muscles in my legs) or if it would be classified as overdoing. I'm not sure if I could fit in a yoga class - I have Addie home today- and I'm not sure I could make it through a whole class, to be honest. My knees feel a little weak, and from past experience, I know that if my knees feel shitty, it's going to be a tough class. Crap. Alright, I'm going to go get housework done, then figure out where the exercise spirit is going to take me today.

2008-10-14T08:29:00.000-05:00

I have a new entry up on my "cancer can bite me blog" - link to your right.

Where I bike 14 miles

2008-10-13T13:35:00.002-05:00

Took Addie to school with the tag along and then rode back home (2 miles round trip) and then rode to my parent's house (1 mile) and then on to Westport and Broadway Cafe (5 miles or so) had a mocha (really felt like I had earned it!) and then biked back home (longer route, 6.5 miles or so? Maybe 7?)

I can't stress this enough: I. Love. My. Bike. Why did it take me this long to get one? I didn't know what I was missing!

It's gotten me thinking about my body image, because let's face it, I haven't been happy with where I'm at on the scale, leading me to feel like a giant fat ass blob. However, riding up steep hills, feeling my quads and calves go to work, it makes me feel... well, strong. Capable. Muscular. If I was out of shape and ate cheetos all day, I wouldn't have the strength to ride that long. I'd be winded going down the street. SO, even though aesthetically I'm not entirely happy with my body, there's no denying that I have built up a lot of muscle mass with KBs and long walking. Inspired by Mark and Tracy's collaborative post, I'm going to really try to embrace my newfound strength. Or, to quote Mark: " The goal of training is NOT to induce anorexia, it is to build strength, condition, endurance, flexibility, power and ability. Health. At any weight. "

Right on!

Where I introduce you to my new friend

2008-10-11T20:25:00.004-05:00

Meet Betty:

Isn't she the dreamiest? I adore the dice tire caps! And the pink on the inside of the wheels! You can't help but smile when you are riding her. I rode her home from the bike shop (6 miles) because she wouldn't fit in the van, and it was a good ride. As I wound through the Plaza, I had a lot of people comment on my bike, especially older folks who were reminded of the bikes from their youth. I rode the neighborhood a bit, and a group of preteen girls told me they loved my bike. I'll be the envy of eleven year old girls everywhere!

The tag along works great with Addie. I'll post a picture tomorrow, but she got the hang of it quickly, and let me tell you, it's a workout with her attached to the back of me! I'm going for a night ride now, even though I'm tired as hell, it's a nice night, so I'm going to go put in a few more miles on her.

Where I try to come up with a witty title, but fail miserably

2008-10-09T11:41:00.002-05:00

I walked last night, I'd say maybe three or four miles, based on the time I was gone and pace I walked at. I slept much better, but still stayed up too late. I really have a hard time functioning on 6 hours of sleep, I need 8 or more. But y'know, it's election season, and I get sucked into MSNBC most nights. I have to start turning off the tv earlier.

Yesterday was chemo day for dad, and I took the morning shift. I find it interesting that even though it's a day mostly spent sitting around, I come home utterly exhausted. Maybe it's just the emotional drain of it, I don't know.

I'm having a really difficult time balancing everything these days. Most of the time, it seems like I'm barely holding it all together. I'm stretched in a million different directions, and I'm tired. I don't make the best choices with food. Most days, I'm too apathetic to even care about how I look. Which is really not me - I tend to be more on the vain end of the spectrum! But I just don't care about much anymore. I'm too tired to even be depressed - it's just a numbness.

I ordered a bike, which will hopefully be here by the weekend. I also am getting a tag-a-long for Addie to ride on, and I'm hoping to ride it for all errands under 2 miles (pretty much encompassing my neighborhood, grocery stores, Addie's preschool, coffee shops, parent's hose, etc). It's cute as hell, and I haven't had a bike in years. PLus, I've never had a bike that was new, and mine. Only hand me dons from my brother. I always wanted a girly bike, and I'm excited to get one, finally!

I also threw a baby shower for a friend, as well as her friend that I barely know (I was none to happy to get roped into doing it for another person.) It was fun to plan it, but it was a lot of work, and a lot of expense. Plus, I am so over the baby experience. Anyhoo...

I'm off for lunch and a trip to the park with Addie.

Where I feel under appreciated, tired, pissy, and run down

2008-10-08T16:53:00.002-05:00

Where have I been?

I don't know. Not working out. Not having any time for myself. Feeling tired ALL the time. Overwhelmed. Stressed. Angry. Isolated. In other words, business as usual.

I will post something of substance soon, I just posted on Dad's blog, and I am blogged out. So until then....

Where I just say 'Blergh'

2008-10-01T14:31:00.002-05:00

Had a very small swing set yesterday, 200 with the 12kg, single transfers. I just... couldn't do more. This no sugar thing is killing me, it's harder than it was last time I tried. It probably doesn't help that I'm not eating as well as I should, and having GI problems (as I am sometimes prone to). Too much info? Oh well, it just serves to really nail the point home that I feel yechy all around.

Finish coffee to stave off raging caffiene headache. Put clean sheets on Henry's bed (please, kid, put a pull up on before bed), throw another load of laundry in, go to the store and get some goddamn food..... and that's the rest of my day.

And..... scene.

2008-09-29T20:06:00.002-05:00

Man, yoga was hard. I felt weak and shaky - sugar withdrawal! It was seriously, one of the hardest classes I've been to.

I was craving something sweet, so I sauteed some sliced apples in butter and cinnamon, with a tiny bit of agave, and let the butter caramelize and the natural sugars come out of the apples. It was really good, surprisingly so, and you never would have guessed that there was no actual refined sugar in it.

Where I try to go off sugar. Again.

2008-09-29T10:19:00.002-05:00

You'll recall, I tried this back in April, with some success. That is, until.... Dad got put in the hospital, surprise diagnosis of very advanced lung cancer. I managed to make it one day in the hospital sticking to 'no sugar' - but by day 2, it was ON. I ate an entire huge bag of m&ms in one sitting. It's been downhill ever since.

I can't keep using my dad's illness as an excuse for the way I eat. At some point, I have to decide to just get on with my life - while still caring for him and being a good daughter - but I can't put everything else on hold. I felt really good once I 'detoxed' last spring. I had a lot more energy, and wasn't really feeling deprived in any sense. So I'm back to square one, and we'll see how I do. The next few days will be rough, but I know if I can make it past 4 days, I'm golden.

That's all. I'm off to clean and then go to yoga.

Where I can't stop crying

2008-09-27T17:18:00.003-05:00

So, tell me what you think:

You're already very self conscious about your midsection, having had 3 kids, one of which was nine pounds. You've put on a little weight, maybe a little puffier in the middle, but you know, you're trying. You work out more than anyone you know (in real life, anyway), kettlebells and yoga and walking. You may have a belly, but you're strong and have muscular arms and legs. You do your best to dress appropriately, no tight fitting items. And then...

After your own mother smacks you on the stomach in a nonverbal affirmation that you look like crap, she then asks if it's possible that you have a tumor in your midsection. Because you know, you're so BIG there.

This is all totally true. I am not kidding. This is what I have to live with all the time. I feel like such an idiot, but I cannot seem to stop crying. I wanted to scream: I get it! I'm not thin enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or successful enough! I GET IT! I don't need to be reminded, because you've made sure I know all this FROM BIRTH.

So, yeah, that's my day. I'm going to go walk to Westport, about 6-7 miles. Depending on my route, since I won't walk the way I would drive. I'm going to walk until I stop crying, until I'm not sad and mad anymore, until I feel like I'm good enough again.

Quickie

2008-09-26T13:00:00.002-05:00

No time for a big post, have to get Miss Addie to soccer clinic, but here's the stats:

Did a swing day at the park on Wednesday, 500 reps, did the swing 5/snatch/lockout/walk/neg. press/transfer thing with the 8kg, and a bunch of swings with the 12kg. Did another session today at the park, except it was 400 reps. A guy today asked me what I was training for (!!) and I thought for a minute and said 'nothing in particular, this is just a regular workout for me' - he replied that it looked like one hell of a workout! Hee! It made me feel good. I get lots of stares at the park (remember, there are NO KB resources in KC, and so most folks have never even heard of them. My friends keep call them my cowbells, "I need more cowbell!") But so far, this is the first person who has asked me about them.

Only did yoga on Monday, to tired after swinging Wednesday. Need to try to get to a class tomorrow. Tonight is Henry's school carnival and the first Debate! Can't wait!

Where I try to blog before the ambien knocks me the hell out

2008-09-23T22:22:00.002-05:00

My internet friends, the warm blanket of pharmaceutical joy is draping over my shoulders and whispering "sleep, sleep".

My cognitive function is fading fast, but here's the skinny: I am frustrated with my mind and body this week. I have stepped up the workouts, added on yoga to the KB and walking regime, and swinging heavier and faster, really trying to put power into each movement. Eating has been ok - not Tracy ok, but normal for me. So WHY am I suddenly weighing so much heavier? And WHY won't it come off? My usual tips and tricks aren't doing it. When Dad was diagnosed and I stopped eating, I was down to 132 and was thrilled there. From there I have yoyo'd between 132 and 137. No biggie, it goes up and down over the course of the month. But I am currently holding steady at 140 and I want to die. My helpful husband suggested it was muscle. I 'll concede that maybe one pound is muscle, but what about the rest? I even double up workout days... what is the deal? Has my metabolism finally jumped ship, yelling 'free rides over now!' That would suck.

I didn't swing today because I was too tired and puny feeling. Meaning.....tomorrow will be yet another day of DOOM - swings at the park in the am, and the yoga in the evening,

Any suggestions would be much appreciated

whoa.... the keyboard is shifting and rolling like an ocean. Safe to say the ambien kicked in.

Night all

Workout Post

2008-09-20T21:42:00.003-05:00

Paltry 320 reps - but hey, it's nearly 10 o'clock at night, at least I did it. I could have just as easily said 'oh, it's late, I'll do it tomorrow' - but you know what? Tomorrow will be just as busy as today. Get it fucking done.

Weak as hell, tired, headache, unmotivated. Tried to have a pattern - swing 5, snatch on the 5th with the 12 kg, but rapidly lost the strength, It was a mismosh, I'll be honest. Did a few sets with the 16kg, probably a mistake, since I felt so weak going into it. Oh well, live and learn!

Went looking at bikes and fell in love with this - oh, she's even cuter in person. I went in thinking I'd want this one, or maybe this one, and while this one is totally impractical, I love it too - but there was something about Miss Navy in person that is just me. I love the sailor pin up girl detail, the polka dots on the back of the seat, it's got personality! I am deeply in love. I want. And if we didn't need to get Bryan's car in for new brakes, I would have boought her on the spot. But soon, she will be mine. I will get a basket to put on the front and play the soundtrack to Amelie as I winding down the countryside of Prairie Village with my baguette and brie in my basket. I can dream.

I have a new blog about Dad, link is to the right. It's a 'public' blog, as it were, so that people that I really do NOT want reading this one can still be updated. So much writing to do. Oy.

Where I sit with Dad

2008-09-17T13:51:00.004-05:00

Brought Dad his sandwich and hung out until Steven could get there. He's tired and out of it. Cancer is widespread - lung, brain, spine, liver, adrenal, kidneys- but they say it's 'contained' for now. Meaning - when the drugs stop working, it will be fast. He will go in a matter of days or weeks. So we continue walking the tight rope between life and death, hope and reality.

Where I am a badass and sweat a lot

2008-09-17T10:54:00.003-05:00

KBs outside, at the park down the street. First time for that - I get very self conscious working out in front of people, but I figure if I want to be an RKC and teach, I had better get over it.

I brought the two 8kg and the 12kg. Since I'm doing yoga later, I left the 16kg at home. I started with a warm up of 40 single transfers with the 8kg. Then moved on to the 12kg, with one minute sets of single transfers, alternating with sets of 5 swings each before transferring. Let's see.... I think I did 2 30 second sets of double C&P, and then I started what I would like to call 'The Circle of Hell": There's a walking path that runs around the baseball field and the park itself. It's not huge, but I'd put it at maybe a half mile all the way around? Maybe a little more or less? I'm not good at estimating distance. Anyhoo, I did 5 swings R, snatched on the 5th, locked it out overhead, then walked 5 steps. Then stop, negative press, swing 5 again, snatch on the 5th, walk 10 steps, stop, negative press, swing to transfer, repeat on the other side. I would cycle through twice, then rest for 30 seconds, then go again. I did it until I reached my starting point. My total reps were 430. It was sunny. Not a lot of shade. It was fairly brutal, but in a good way. Raaaar! She Hulk maaaad!

I don't think I'm doing yoga until this evening - Dad has chemo today, and I'm supposed to bring him and Steven lunch. So, I'll shoot for the 5:30 class, which has my favorite instructor anyway. We'll see how I do. I'm curious.

Where I wonder how manly I can be

2008-09-16T21:41:00.002-05:00

Do you think I can do both KBs and yoga tomorrow? 'Cause I totally put off swinging today, and now it's late and I'm tired, and I figure the only way I'm going to stick to my plan is if I impose certain consequences.... so, would it be too much back-to-back? Or a neat-o incentive? Maybe I'll feel like superwoman afterwards? Either way, I'm a little scared. So I'm thinking a little lighter, strictly swinging after all the kids are in school, and then 12:15 yoga. And then... I probably collapse. We'll see. Going to bed now....

Where I make real French bread, y'all

2008-09-15T19:25:00.002-05:00

Oy, what a day.

Yoga at noon, then much time spent in the kitchen. Did you know that French bread takes, like, 4 hours to make? I didn't. Until I started making it. Nevertheless, it was done in time for dinner: squash soup (butternut, acorn) with chicken thighs. The bread was unbelievably good. As good as - if not better than- the Farm to Market stuff I get at the store. Very labor intensive, especially compared to the sandwich bread I can crank out. But I think I'll make it now and then.

So now: exhausted. I walked yesterday, and made bread (again). Right now. it's a combo of cooking/baking, workouts/walks/yoga, housework, and working with Henry on reading. That's it. Tomorrow is a trip to see Dad's radiation Oncologist with Addie in tow, because most of the people I know in real life are tools that won't call me back when they know I need a favor. Suck it, shallow soccer moms!

Workout Post, again, after 4 days

2008-09-13T16:21:00.002-05:00

Seriously, only 4 days of no exercise? Felt like a lifetime. Re-donk-o-lous, I tell you. But here I am, back in the musty basement, swinging the 12kg (and a little 16kg) for a total of 410 reps. I tried to follow a pattern in the beginning: 2 sets of one minute on/off of single transfers, then 2 sets of five single swings before transferring to the other side. I went back and forth like that, but I went kind of willy-nilly at the end. Got tired, light headed, so there were some sets of snatches (8kg) and C&P, some 30 second sets of the 16kg, etc. Wanted to push on through to 500, but.... didn't. I almost wrote 'couldn't', but that doesn't seem right. I chose not to.

Time to make dinner. Big bag o' chicken, what to do with it?

Where it rains. And rains more.

2008-09-12T12:54:00.003-05:00

I wound up going barefoot this morning - it was raining so hard, shoes were pointless. It's raining and raining and raining, and it kind of sucks. I got all my errands done while the kids were in school this morning, and now Addie is home and I don't have to get her out again, so that's good. I have a blueberry pie in the oven that is (fortunately? Unfortunately?) not for us. The winner of the 'Pie a month' club hasn't had one all summer, meaning I owe her around 4? I was hoping she'd want more than one today, but I have a feeling she's going to 'stockpile' them for Thanksgiving.

My kids went through an entire loaf of my homemade bread in less than 24 hours. Yikes. One loaf left, so I know what I'll be doing this weekend!

Let's see: yesterday was a shitty day all around, with the charming combination of the period from hell and asthma. I took a dose of steroids last night, which helped greatly, but could. Not. Sleep. Eevn with the liquid Vicodin, I was wide awake. Blerg. So, on with it. Today is either swing or yoga, no excuses now. Despite lack of sleep, I feel generally better, and I don't think I'll be having anymore embarrassing incidents like yesterday. So onward and upward. I hate losing momentum, it really pisses me off.

Where I explain why I haven't been to yoga or done any swinging

2008-09-11T16:48:00.002-05:00

(Those of you that are squeamish and/or men might want to skip this post. Seriously.)

Because I got my fucking period. And no - I am not one to whine incessantly. I tend to have short - albeit rather rough periods. Three days, done. Laid up on day one, then I get better. So, Tuesday it shows up, I think 'fine, no swinging today, I should be fine for yoga tomorrow night.' Um. Or not. Let me put it this way, folks, without being too graphic. As of this morning, I have gone through THREE changes of clothes. And we're not talking for the sake of fashion. I had a moment of sprinting in the house after errands, screaming at Addie to 'GET A MOVE ON, MISSY!' because oh dear god, it was about to get scary. And it did.

So, here I am, at the mercy of the flow. I'm hoping I'm riding the last of the bloody tidal wave and tomorrow will be more normal.

Okay, laundry time now.

Where I laugh more at the Republicans, and tell the head of the RNC to suck it

2008-09-09T16:58:00.003-05:00

From the Huffington Post:

"Sen. Joe Biden (D-Del.) says that if Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin (R) becomes the first female vice president it will be a "backward step for women."

Asked by a local television reporter in Milwaukee, Wisconsin if electing Palin would be a step forward for women, Biden said, "well look, I think the issue is what does Sarah Palin think? What does she believe?"

"I assume she thinks and agrees with the same policies that George Bush and John McCain think," Biden added. "And that's obviously a backward step for women."

Republican National Committee spokeswoman Amber Wilkerson has a response:

"The only person taking a step backward is Joe Biden, whose appalling and arrogant statements are better suited for the back rooms of his old boys club. Sarah Palin’s nomination as the Republican vice presidential nominee is an historic opportunity to break the highest glass ceiling. While John McCain and Sarah Palin continue to press their message of change, Joe Biden should stop these sorts of old-style attacks."

Interesting, Amber, because you told CNN in June of 2007:

"If Hillary Clinton thinks women will support her candidacy simply based on her gender she is mistaken," RNC spokeswoman Amber Wilkerson said. "Women, like men, will vote for a candidate because they share their views, and Hillary's consist of higher taxes, bigger government and waving a white flag in the global war on terror."

The balls-out doublespeak and hypocrisy going on in the Republican Party is astonishing. I remember reading "1984" and thinking: this could never happen, not really. But guess what, folks! It can, and it will, it McCain-Palin are elected.

Where I have a good day

2008-09-08T20:06:00.003-05:00

It felt strange, to have no kids for so long. I kept thinking I needed to go get someone, and I kept glancing in the back seat while I drove. I couldn't believe how much I got done at home - and went to an hour and a half long yoga class! It was a wonderful day, the first I've had in a long time. We had a 20 degree drop in temps, and it is blessedly chilly out. I adore fall. As much as I bitch about the extremes here in regards to weather, I love the changing of the seasons. There's always something to look forward to. I still hate you west coast bastards with your '75 degrees and sunny' days. Ha!

Henry is slowly starting to read, after much intense help and coaching from us. He read me a book (Goodnight Moon) tonight for the first time. It made my day, not just that he gets it, but to hear the confidence and pride in his little voice. Thrilling, really!

Addie is soaking in her too-decadent-for-a-four-year-old-bath, and I'm thinking of a walk after she's in bed. The weather is just too nice to pass it up!

One more.....

2008-09-08T16:30:00.001-05:00

Arianna Huffington, I love you so very much........

LIberal political stuff

2008-09-08T15:38:00.003-05:00

People, she's not qualified. It has nothing to do with her gender, she's just a moron.

Link here

Where it's quiet.

2008-09-08T09:53:00.003-05:00

All three kids gone - for the entire day. This will be my Mondays and Wednesdays for the rest of the school year. I don't know what I'll do with myself!

My plan is to have Mon-Wed be yoga days, and Tues-Thurs be KB days. Friday will most likely be a walking day, And weekends will be whatever I can fit in! But I figure, if I just do that those 5 days, consistently, then that's good. I'm excited and relieved to finally have a schedule.

There's nothing else to report- just enjoying the silence and being by myself....

Where I talk about my hair

2008-09-07T22:27:00.003-05:00

I have always had curly hair. Actually, as a kid is was more thick and wavy, but once puberty and hormones hit, it turned into a crazy mess of frizzy, out-of-control Jew hair. I was mocked throughout all of junior high and some of high school because of my hair. I won't go into the names I was called, but coupled with my big-ass eyes (a genetic defect caused by sutures on my skull closing to soon when I was an infant) you can just imagine the fun I had growing up.

My eyes - well, I can't do anything to change them, I have learned to live with them. My hair, on the other hand, with the advent of super-duper straightening irons and miracle salves and balms and such, I've been able to tame my hair into waspy suburban submission. It generally takes me an hour or more to get it stick straight. I've been doing it less and less. Here's what I'm starting to think:

I started straightening my hair in an attempt to fit in and look like everyone else. Straight hair is seen as 'sexy', 'sleek', 'neat', 'polished'. Frizzy, curly, unruly hair is seen as 'too ethnic', 'messy', 'unattractive'. In my attempts to feel good within my skin, this has become an issue with me. So I'm trying to learn to love my hair, as is. I don't look like everyone else ,and I never will. That's not a bad thing. Would I change my looks if I could? No.

2008-09-05T12:04:00.001-05:00

A kid free morning, y'all!

Walked a sort one - just under an hour. Definitely like walking at night better. I like it dark, quiet. and still. But I got it done, so that's good. Either yoga or swinging tomorrow. Not sure which.

The real reason I'm procrastinating my walk

2008-09-05T09:18:00.004-05:00

Mendel thinks glasses are to be chewed on:

Must snuggle the cuteness:

Oh my god, I look completely insane. "KITTY!!!"

Where I get back to our regularly scheduled programming

2008-09-04T20:42:00.002-05:00

Inspired by Tracy, I decided to try a (very extreme) moderation of her latest routine, as it's what I like to do: swings! I could swing all day, every day. TGUs, snatches, C&P: these all take a little more motivation and effort for me.

I started with one minute work/rest sets with the 12kg. Starting with two handed, then single trans, then swinging 5 each arm, then 10 each arm. Then I switched up to the 16kg and did 30 second work/rest sets: two handed, then single trans, then 2 swings each, then 3 each, and that was as high as I could get at that weight. I think I did about 100 reps, give or take, at that weight. Then I went back to the 12kg and one minute sets, mostly swinging 10 before transferring until I hit 400. I suppose I could've done more, but I was feeling a little sore from yoga (no smugness here, no siree) and don't want to overdo to a point where I can't train. Anyhoo, so there it is. Addie has school tomorrow, so I'll get to walk in the morning - how novel, I don't have to wait until the kids are in bed!

2008-09-04T13:49:00.003-05:00

Fact checking on Sarah Palin's speech, as reported by the AP.

I could give a shit less if she has 1 kid, 5, or 20. My biggest problem is that she trots out her kids for political gain: Her son Track is going off to war (9/11)! She's the proud mom (9/11) of a soldier! She's so pro choice! Her 17 year old daughter got pregnant and they're supporting her! How wonderful! She had a baby with Down syndrome! She understands special needs children!

It's appalling, it's sickening, it's totally and 100% inappropriate. And yet, in the same breath, her family is supposed to be 'off limits' to any scrutiny. I call bullshit. As a voter, I am every bit entitled to know what's up with a politician - and that includes her family. As a mother, I am floored that she accepted the nomination knowing what it would do to her kids.

That all aside, I still don't like her. It's Bush/Cheney/karl Rove all over again. It's snarky, divisive speeches. It's the same old touting of: small town values, 9/11, and military service. Or, as my friend Rachel said in an email: 'If I hear one more thing about him being a POW, I'm going to poop my pants.'

I'm not holding Sarah Palin up to any less scrutiny than people have done with the Obamas. If you're going to get in the game with the big boys, then put your grown up pants on and suck it the hell up.

It's going to be an interesting fall.

Where I go to yoga and get that smug look wiped the hell off my face

2008-09-03T19:31:00.004-05:00

I got to have my favorite yoga instructor on earth tonight, so that was an extra special treat. Even though I haven't attended a class in almost 2 years, she greets me like she saw me last week. I sauntered into the studio, totally assured I was going to rock the mothf-ing house. Because, you know, I'm a kettlebell badass. Screw your weeny little poses, I swing heavy balls of steel (hee!)!

It only took about 10 minutes in for me to hit an 'oh, crap' moment. Now, some poses were easier than I remember, like backbends and triangle. I still rock any pose that requires standing on one leg (thank you, 10 years of ballet). But a lot (okay, all) of the lunges, pretty much anything that required my knee or knees to be bent for an extended period of time.... yowch! My knees feel a little on the weak side. They never hurt after Kbs, sometimes they ache after a long walk or jog. Maybe it's just age? Oy.

I did a great shoulder stand, too. Pre-kettlebells, a difficult pose for me. So I'd say I was about 50-50 on how I did. I can definitely tell my upper body is stronger, and my core is, too, but my flexibility? Nonexistent. But it will come back, I'm sure.

I'm hoping for 2 days a week. I think that's reasonable. Now, to be able to fit it in every week. Wish me luck.

Where it rains

2008-09-03T13:09:00.003-05:00

It was in the 80's yesterday. Today it's in the high 50's. Welcome to the midwest.

I walked last night, as the temps were already dropping and it was nice. Felt almost like fall. Today I'd like to go to yoga, and have tomorrow as a swing day, but I'm not sure how the whole kid thing will play out - my Mom offered to take the kids, but you never know with her, she could renege at the last minute, as she is often prone to do.

Today was Addie's first day of preschool, and I had Dad for the 2 and a half hours she was gone. I feel bad complaining about it - I should relish all the time I can with him. But sometimes, I just want to be alone. That so rarely happens. I know that my 'free days' are not so well named - I will most likely have Dad every day, or face the pissyness of my mother. What can I do? The man is sick, bored, and has been abandoned by most of his friend who already have him dead and buried.

I took him to Andre's, where he used to take me after ballet class when I was a little girl. I'd pick out a pastry and we'd sit in the tea room and chat. It was hard to look at him today, in that familiar setting, as he struggled to get in and out of his chair, and shuffled so slowly back to the car. We talked politics (of course) and how Copeland is arguably the best American composer (they were playing 'Appalachian Spring' in the background). We had pastries and drank tea. We looked outside at the rain. I looked at him hunched over in his chair, smooth head with white fuzz growing in, and I tried to remember him 29 years ago in this same spot, young and sharp and witty.

We got Addie from school, and I made them both lunch. He's gone home now, and I have a few hours before it's time to get the boys. My house is seriously gross. I am not motivated to clean. I feel flat today, muted. I need to eat, but nothing sounds good. Alright, I'm off.....

Where I'm hurting.

2008-09-02T08:49:00.003-05:00

Holy crap. I am in a serious amount of pain. Well, maybe half pain and half stiffness. My numbers may have been down, but I think I can see now that heavier = better. Or at least, more exertion. So here's my plan: I have been using the 12 kg for swings and the 8 kg for C&P and snatches. What I want to try to work up to is the 16 kg for swings and the 12 kg for the rest. I have no illusions that this is going to be really hard, but I feel like I have plateaued in terms of what I can do with the weights I'm working with. It seems silly to keep snatching the 8 kg, when I can't get certified with that weight. I tend to go down in the basement with little to no actual plan in terms of what my sets will look like, I'm going to try to have a routine for at least every other workout.

Dad is slowly coming out of his chemo funk. He still moves so slowly and needs a cane now to walk. This is the man that used to take such huge strides when he walked that I had a hard time keeping up with him. This is the man that hiked the wilds of the Boundary Waters of Canada and the canyons of Paria. At 50, even 55, he was stronger and in better shape then most men half his age. It's heartbreaking to see him so frail.

Where I swing heavy

2008-09-01T13:39:00.003-05:00

Oy. 310 reps, 30 seconds on/off. First 3 sets with 12kg, next 4 sets with 16kg (singles) and some sets of a swing, C&P, swing, snatch combo with the 12kg. Finished with alternating sets of swinging 12 then 16. Ow. Owowowowow.

Half the numbers, but nary an 8kg rep in the bunch, and twice the amount of work with the 16kg than I usually do. And boy howdy, do I feel it. Snatching the 12kg is hard, y'all, but damn, I have to move up sometime! I look at the number of snatches I have to do for RKC, and man, i have a ways to go.

Anyhoo, family stuff is... there. Nothing new. Back on my meds, because no, I apparently cannot deal with them unmedicated. Going to the pool now, last day it's open, last chance to swim some laps until next summer!

Where I feel a little better

2008-08-29T22:00:00.003-05:00

Nothing like a balls out unedited rant to make you feel better. Even if I didn't actually say it to the people I'd like to, at least it's not sitting and festering. Thank you to Jenny for calling and talking me down off the ledge (again). I also talked to my Aunt, and that helped a little too.

I'm hopeful for a good weekend with friends and family. I keep having to remind myself that my family is seriously damaged; this is not how normal parents treat their children. I love them dearly, but they are messes. They should have divorced decades ago. But, they didn't, and I am left trying to deal with what that means- my Mom caring for a terminally ill husband that she almost cannot stand, and vice versa. To say I get stuck in the crossfire is an understatement!

I feel better, body wise. I'm hoping to get back in the workout routine tomorrow. I'm ready.

Where I say what I would love to say in real life

2008-08-29T15:33:00.003-05:00

Dear family: you are pissing me off.

I have no life. I have never had a life. I have been expected to be dutiful daughter, wife and mother. I am expected to swallow all bitterness and never complain. Complaining or depression is weakness. Weakness is bad. I must be strong at all times, able to handle any and all tasks thrown at me. I cannot ever get sick, feel overwhelmed, be sad or lonely. I cannot ever, at any time, let anyone outside our family know how I really feel about any given topic. I am not allowed to contemplate moving away, or having anything going on that might interfere with taking care of all of you. If I do, in fact, complain too much, I am punished by silent treatments and being treated like an overly sensitive crybaby who is incapable of handling anything. Despite all I do for all of you, you continue to treat me like it's never enough. No matter how many errands I run, bills I pay, dinners I make, hours I talk on the phone listening to crying and panic attacks, it's never ever good enough. My slacker brother can breeze in and out as he pleases, and do the smallest thing, and suddenly he is the golden child, the perfect son. He is allowed to be pissy and mean and throw temper tantrums. He is allowed to make colossal mistakes in his life and stay married to a woman who has tried her hardest for the last 10 years to tear this family apart. I, however, am not allowed mistakes. I have to be perfect at all times. I cannot have hopes or dreams of my own. I cannot yearn for anything more than what I have. You had me to take care of all of you, and this is a sad fact that I have realized since I was a young girl. I knew I'd never finish college or move away. I knew that I would never be anything more than what I am. You are all or nothing with me - either I am immersed in day to day dysfunction, or I am ostracized. And since I don't want my kids to grow up without family, I am stuck. I am trapped. And things will never change. Why do you think I tell all 3 of my kids to move away as soon as they're 18? I want them to go to school out of state, get as far away as possible. If I get sick, I don't want them to care for me. This fucked up cycle ends with me. Too late for me, but not for them. They will live their own lives, have fabulous careers. I won't clip their wings. I am not so selfish to keep them close to me for my own gain. That isn't why I had them . I had them to give 3 individuals a chance at lives I can only dream of.

Dear Pseudo friends: Well, it's really only a couple of you I have a bone to pick with. I was a good friend to you over the last year. We talked all the time, we leaned on one another. We formed a real bond. Then, after the whole Room mom debacle of 2008, you disappeared. You did a few half hearted gestures after dad was diagnosed - only what you felt you had to do for appearances sake!- but other than that, you go out of your way to ignore me. And here's what gets me: when I see you, and you are forced to speak to me, you always say, in a syrupy sweet voice 'Oh, I've been such a bad friend, I haven't called you! How are you?!'

And I seriously just want to punch you square in the face when you say that.

What am I supposed to say to that? It's so insultingly transparent and douchy and not sincere. What I want to say to you is this: No, you haven't been a bad friend, because that would take into account that I consider us friends. We're not. We are acquaintances with kids in the same class. Nothing more. Don't insult my intelligence just because you can't nut up and say what's on your mind. I would like to know what I did - but I know I never will. All I know is that I'm incredible hurt by your actions.

Where I feel the effects of the steroids

2008-08-28T10:06:00.003-05:00

Wow, I feel jittery. Now i know why Henry has so much trouble sleeping when he's on his heavy dose of prednisone. And why Dad likes being on steroids while dealing with cancer - because it gives you a serious, scary boost. I know I'm not well, my chest still hurts, and I feel like my head is full of cotton - and yet, I somehow have this insane amount of energy and restlessness. On the one hand, my house is getting clean. On the other hand, I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin.

I'm slamming down a Power C and getting ready to go to the store. I want to try and nap later, but I don't think I'll be able to.

And I just want to state, for the record, that it is bullshit that mommies and wives don't get to call in sick. No matter how shitty we feel, we're still expected to get our asses up and moving, no matter what. I'm cranky.

Where I do a grillion loads of laundry, vacuum up hairballs the size of Rhode Island, and put off swinging

2008-08-26T15:37:00.004-05:00

On a positive note? I have been slacking on the housekeeping, and I am damn near caught up on laundry, and everyone has clean sheets now. I hadn't cleaned up our room in... awhile. There were freakishly large dustbunnies under all the furniture. So it's all done, clean, beds are made (gasp!) but here it is, close to 4pm, and no swinging yet. I'm doing a monster walk tonight - more out of necessity than straight exercise (it's back to school night, and parking is such a bitch, mom offered to drop me off, then I walk home. It's a hella walk.)- and so I keep going back and forth on the rationalizing. But dammit, KBs and walking are tow totally different activities, who am I fooling? Okay, as soon as I'm done here, no more bullshit.

I've gone off the Zoloft. Pretty much cold turkey. A couple of reasons:

Dad is doing better. Not great, but at least somewhat stable. For the moment.
I was starting to feel slightly dulled in the emotional sense. I have heard people on antidepressants talk about this feeling, and I frankly hated it.
When they say under side effects 'decreased sexual desire' - they are not kidding around. For the last 3 months, I couldn't have been less in the mood if I was falling out of a plane. Bryan was getting rather... frustrated.
I was starting to feel like it wasn't doing a whole lot of good. Maybe I'll feel I need it down the road, but right now, I want to try to make it without the drugs

So there it is.

* Alrighty, that was yesterday... and I obviously never got around to finishing. Let's see: walk yes, but a fairly short one as I was feeling puny. KBs no, as before, feeling meh. Today? A long ass visit with Mom and Dad to the Oncologist, whom I love, but seeing as she's the #1 Lung Cancer Doc in town, she double and triple books, and we were there for a couple hours. Not a lot of new news, but he seems to be, in a bloodwork stance, tolerating chemo fairly well. He starts the next round tomorrow, which means the next week or so, he'll be down for the count. We took Addie and went to lunch with my brother (who is not as connected with the family, married to a total nutcase, and very self centered. I was not overjoyed to see him.) for Mom and Dad's anniversary. As the long day wore on, I felt crappier and crappier. I've had a cough for a few weeks, but kept chalking it up to allergies. It's gotten worse, and I'm getting that telltale bronchitis tightness in my chest. Son of a bitch. I have a wheezy cough and just feel run down. I went to Urgent Care at 5:30, and after hearing family history (lung cancer, lung cancer and oh, yeah, lung cancer! Three family members including Dad.) said 'let's do an X ray. Like, now!'

I was glad they did, even though I knew it was too soon for the bronchitis to show up. I know from here on out that I'll be totally paranoid anytime I have an ongoing cough. I didn't realize how much I've been suppressing emotions until the kindly nurse came in and patted my hand and said 'your lungs look great, no spots, no shadows" and I promptly burst into tears. I cried all the way home. I cried for my fear of the future and the unknown. I cried because I'm lonely and frustrated. I cried because my Dad will die someday very soon. I cried because I'm terrified it will happen to me. There is an isolation that goes along with having a dying parent. You have to be strong for them, and so often, people around you don't know what to say or do. You find yourself, in return, building up walls and wearing armor, because you get so tired of being let down and disappointed. People see you as aloof or stand offish, and I want to say 'this is what I have to do to survive each day. I can't let my guard down, even for a moment. Because if I do, you'll see how fragile I really am.'

The doctor started me on Zpac to head this crap off at the pass. Which is awesome, because I can't afford to be really sick. He also gave me steroids and cough syrup so I can sleep. I'm hoping to feel back to normal by the weekend, then I can refocus on training. It is the only thing that keeps me sane, and when I can't do it, I miss it terribly.

I had a breakthrough moment while walking the other night. I am a typically reserved person, I've talked about my inferiority issues and never feeling good enough. As a kid, the only time I felt good about myself was when I was in ballet class. I took for 10 years, and I was good. It was one of the few things I knew I was good at. When I was dancing, I felt strong and confident and beautiful. I felt superhuman. I haven't had anything that has made me feel that way in years. When I go on a crazy ass long walk, and I am doing free running and parkour- style leaps and jumps and running up a steep hill, I feel so damn strong and good. When I do 500 or 600 kettlebell swings (or 1000, like that one time!), I feel 100% confident in myself. I feel like I know who I am. That's why I love it. It's better than any therapy. And no matter how much the world around me is crumbling, that's something I can control. It's an aspect of my life that I know will only keep getting better, as long as I choose to continue training.

Alright, this entry has gone on way too long and been all over the place. I'm off to take a shower and wait for the narcotic -based tussin (woot!) to kick in. And hopefully, tomorrow I'll feel better.

Where I watch the DNC and get choked up. Literally.

2008-08-25T21:48:00.003-05:00

I grew up in a very political household, so naturally, I have the Convention on. My parents spent their honeymoon (40 years ago this Wednesday!) at the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago. Because there's nothing more romantic than riots going on below your hotel room!

I learned a valuable lesson tonight: do not eat Oreos while watching something that could potentially make you cry. The whole Ted Kennedy tribute got to me - especially when he said he promised to be in Congress in January (he is battling a brain tumor) and Dad and I both started crying... and I inhaled a cookie into my lungs. It was bad, death by cookie! I recovered and watched the rest and cried more. I have Michelle Obama on in the background, no walking or swinging tonight, just the DNC and a bowl of coffee ice cream. Then bed. I was up way too late last night, and a KB workout would be no good when I'm this tired. I have noticed that I'm stronger if I have an extra day between Kb workouts. Every other day seems to leave me a little weak. So, tomorrow. Wednesday and Thursday will be out anyway, with multiple trips to the Cancer Center with Dad. I fluctuate between feeling in control and alright and.... well, not.

Alright, I'm off to watch more.

YES WE CAN!

Where I feel like I had the crap beat out of me

2008-08-25T07:39:00.003-05:00

I have no idea how far I went last night - I'll have to drive it today and see. It was a new route, I was getting bored with my usual one. I'd say maybe 6 miles? More? Less? I went a way that had a lot more steep hills (Kansas is not really that flat, y'all) and experimented with a little parkour. I had reloaded my iPod with new music (M.I.A, Goldfrapp, Linkin Park, and the new NIN album) and found it to be very motivating. I have been using the same workout tunes for about a year, and there's only so much Ac/Dc and Rob Zombie you can listen to! So anyhoo, I am shredded this morning, and definitely feel like I went 10 rounds in the ring.

The Vibram monkey shoes are still a hit with me. I find I can walk farther without knee pain, light jogging is easier, and they're just all around comfier. It is obvious that I use different muscles when I wear them, my calves and quads really hurt!

OKay, off to take the kids to school.....

Where I am tickled, fer reals

2008-08-24T20:20:00.003-05:00

I have made many mentions of Mark and Tracy Reifkind. I have quoted them both, linked to specific blog entries, and sent blog links to anyone who has ever asked my 'what the heck is a kettlebell?' They both provide a wealth of information on kettlebells and nutrition (and I admit, go WAY over my head with some material. Am I a retard that the Max Vo2 stuff still mystifies me?) I've been reading them both since before I bought my first kb. So you can imagine the look on my face when I realized that Rif has me listed on his blogroll! You can just take a minute and picture me kicking the ground shyly with a cartoon bubble over my head that says 'Aw, shucks!'

It made my day, really.

Other than that, we are in the midst of home improvement projects. And by we, I mean Bryan. The kids are in bed, which at this point in the weekend, is really the safest place for them to be. They have pushed me way over the edge today. Tomorrow is the start of another week. Dad sees Dr. Kelly on Wednesday, chemo on Thursday, and the crappy cycle starts all over again. But.... as I try to focus on the little things: I can finally get my hair in two pigtails (see here to recall the hair trauma of '07), a friend of mine at the Roasterie had them custom make a blend of chocolate hazelnut for me, and I am getting ready to put on my monkey shoes and go on a long ass, much needed walk. It's hard to sometimes remember that there is still goodness in my life, but it's there, no matter how small it may be.

Where I post a gratuitous kitten photo

2008-08-24T14:56:00.004-05:00

Mendel is getting big and is still fucking cute as hell. Even if he did give the other two old cats conjunctivitis. Did you know cats can get that? And new kittens can be carriers? And that they have to get drops in the infected eye 10 times a day and eat lysine off their food? Yeah, it's a pain in the ass, and Fred and Syds are miserable. Good thing Mendel is so cute!

2008-08-23T23:54:00.002-05:00

400 reps, 12kg swings. 20 C&P, 20 snatches. one set of swings with 16kg (about 40/one minute).

That's it, it's late and I'm sleepy....

Workout post ad naseum

2008-08-20T21:34:00.004-05:00

Swing night - I really wanted to walk, because a.) we're having wonderful weather and b.) I am totally in love with my ugly ass shoes. I absolutely heart them, with a big fuzzy, pink heart dotting the 'I'. So anyhoo, decided to test them with a KB workout. Perfect, loved it, as I had suspected I would. Here's the other thing with them, my feet don't get too hot or sweaty. I am a very sweaty foot girl, and that's one of the first things I look at in a shoe, is what the foot bed is made of. Shoes that are vinyl-y or slick looking are a no-no, especially in something without a sock. Another reason I love to go barefoot, no sweaty feet! I ran errands all day, and wore them for about 4 hours, and when I took them off, realized my feet were totally dry. Am I seriously talking about foot sweat this much? I have really GOT to get out more often!

Okay, so Kettlebells: 600 reps (!!!) Gymboss one minute on, one off. Amy, I took your advice and mixed the weights in each set - about half (20) with the 16 and another half (another 20) with the 12. I did a few sets of those, then alternated full one minute sets of the 12, then the 16. Yowch. I did, I think, 2 sets of C&P (double 8) and 2 sets (or was it 3?) snatches. I think I average 20 reps per minute with each of those. Last 150 swings were all 12kg. I have been experimenting with how it feels to swing two handed vs. one handed, singles transfers vs. swinging 5 or 10 reps per arm before transferring. Also, the 2 8kg are (obviously) the same weight as the one 16kg, but the weight is distributed differently. I'm starting to notice how my body works differently and other, subtle muscles I may not have been aware of (or had!) are used, depending on weight, number of reps, which arm, how long, etc. I'm feeling a stronger connectedness with my body that I haven't felt in a long time. I think being comfortable in your own skin is a really difficult point to reach. I have struggled for years with feeling not good enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough. It's only been in these last few months of Dad being sick that has brought me to a deeper understanding of who I am.

I'm not talking the attitude one gets when they feel they don't belong, so they say 'well, screw all of them!' I mean a true level of acceptance that not everyone has to like you. All that matters is that YOU like you! Maybe it's my reprioritizing with having a parent with cancer. Maybe it's the wisdom of getting older. But I find lately, that despite the emotional hurricane I have been struggling with, I feel a certain amount of peace. People don't call me, I don't see anyone, nothing has changed in that regard, but what HAS changed is how I see it. I spend a lot of my free time with my Dad, and that's the most important thing right now.

How I really get through the day

2008-08-20T18:38:00.005-05:00

Ha ha - not really. I bought a bottle of wine, and Dad thought it was funny to stick it in the cup holder on the way home. But it is bringing together my two great loves, coffee and booze!

Where I look like I have monkey feet

2008-08-20T09:34:00.003-05:00

Check these out! I now own the Ugliest. Shoes. Ever.

Yes, those are little toe pockets. They are the closest thing to walking barefoot, but they protect your foot. They are.... weird. I like them, but I do think I went on too long a walk last night. They will take some getting used to for sure. But I did like the 'connectedness' I felt with the ground. I used to go barefoot from April until October. I'd keep Birks in my car in case I needed to wear shoes, but otherwise, never. I would go shoeless all the time if I could. But, I'm not a 19 year old unshaven hippie girl anymore, so I don't think I can pull that off. I think these are going to be great for KBs, too. I know barefoot is best when training, but you haven't seen my basement. Not wearing shoes is a health hazard.

Anyhoo, I'm off for more coffee and the usual daily crap. Boys are in school, so it's just us girls. Swing day later, anxious to see how I do, I've been a little sore from the 16kg, but I hate to go backwards in weight. I also hate low reps. Hmmmm. Which tradeoff is best?

Where I ponder the idea of calling it "Blergging" instead of "Blogging"

2008-08-17T21:31:00.003-05:00

Seriously, y'all. BLERG.

I have a lot to say, and yet nothing to say. I have been walking, and I did swinging today (400 reps) and that is all good stuff. I have been using the Wii Fit, and it is fun and a hoot, as well as playing the Wii Mario Kart with the boys. I saw a hawk eating a squirrel in our neighbor's yard, and me and the kids were fascinated, because we're odd that way. I found two bright green katydids on my car within a 24 hour period and put them in my garden. I took Addie to Libby Liu and watched her have a coronary over all the pink schlock. I painted her nails with sparkles. I have brought my Dad countless milkshakes. I have perfected my voice imitation of Flapjack. I have wasted time and eaten ice cream. I have seen Vega in the night sky. I have thought of a million things to say here, but never do. My life is in limbo, but I'm still here.

Where I force myself to blog

2008-08-13T21:34:00.003-05:00

I have zero desire to write anymore, but I had a KB workout today, and I AM a little obsessive about keeping track of it. So here it is: 340 reps, I can't tell you the breakdown, because it was hours ago that I did it. Mostly 12kg and 16kg (swings), but did a fair number of C&P with the 8kg. So, there it is. Walked last night, too (4 miles?). So.....

Dad is not good. Chemo this past Thursday, and it has thrown him for a loop. He has lost 15 pounds in a week. He sleeps a lot. All in all, it sucks.

Tyler starts 7th grade tomorrow. Feeling a little nostalgic.

Where I follow my own advice

2008-08-01T22:15:00.003-05:00

So, people visiting? Not so good for making proper eating choices. That great 130 number I saw on the scale? Yeah, gone in a few days. All it takes is 4 days of not working out and eating crap and voila! I'm up 4 pounds. I'm pretty sure some of that is water - I ate an unbelievable amount of sodium, and I usually keep my sodium pretty low. But in any case, as Tracy has said, and I have repeated, a few pounds is just s few days away, if you really put your mind to it. So it's back to the grindstone, and 390 reps tonight with the 12kg.

Things are up down around here - the visit with my cousin was utterly exhausting. She's a talker and very high maintenance. The last thing I needed were more people to take care of. It wasn't the most fun, and the day after they left (yesterday) I literally spent in bed. And I have family coming next week, family I love, but it's still work for me nonetheless.

Dad's cancer appears to be on the move again, and he'll be starting chemo possibly next week. The kids go back to school in 2 weeks, and I feel generally totally overwhelmed. I can't think of a lot to say, so I'm going to repost my most recent blog from Dad's site, because it really expresses where my head is at these days.

Last night, I got a much needed night out with some of the Moms from Henry's school. I actually PLAYED cards, and for those of you who know me well, you know my love of cards runs about as deep as my love of NASCAR, football, and cuddling. Which is to say, not at all. However, I actually caught on and had a lot of fun. I felt totally socially inept, as I have been in seclusion for several months, but as the night wore on, i remembered how to talk to people and not sound like a complete moron.

I stopped at the liquor store in the Village to pick up wine on the way to Krissie's house, and noticed, out on the sidewalk, about 20 or so ginkgo leaves scattered around. I looked to see if there was a tree nearby, but couldn't find one. Ginkgo trees have often been called living fossils, as they existed some 200 million years ago throughout what is now North America. They died out during the ice age, and were thought to be extinct when in 1691 they were discovered in Japan and southern China, and subsequently brought back to Europe. They are an especially hardy tree, planted around Japanese temples because it was believed they would protect against fire.

On August 6, 1945, our country dropped a bomb, code named 'Little Boy,' on the city of Hiroshima. The city was decimated, and tens of thousands of people were literally incinerated. And yet, despite the scorched earth and devastation, four ginkgo trees survived. Though burnt and branches toppled, in the weeks and months after the blast, they all began to form buds. As a result, the Japanese call the tree 'The Bearer of Hope.'

My father's cough is back, and worse than before. He is at the doctor right now, getting an X-ray, but they are pretty sure it's the cancer returning with a vengeance. He will probably have to start chemo sooner than we had thought, and may be unable to take his trip to St. Louis with the IRES group. My Dad is very sick, and most likely dying, but I can't give up hope. I can only think of the trees that they thought were dead, when all along, new life was sleeping inside. There is still life inside my Dad, there is still a fight to be had. I know not all battles fought can be won, but when any of us know it's our time to go, don't you want to die knowing you gave it the good fight?

2008-07-28T11:14:00.002-05:00

Birthday yesterday, cousin Leah and her family visiting.... busy and no time to work out! Or blog.... pictures and update in a few days...

2008-07-24T13:31:00.004-05:00

I did a workout... I think Sunday? Forgot to post it, but it was 200 swings and such. Couldn't tell you the exact breakdown.

Anyway, today was 395. I did 250 swings (sets of single transfers and then sets of 5 swings per arm before transferring- one minute sets) with the 12kg and then 100 swings with the 16kg (alternating sets of single trans and 2 handed swings- 30 second sets). The rest double C&P with the 8kg and snatches with the 8kg. Those double C&P nearly killed me, my shoulders feel shredded.

I went for a walk the other night, unaware that there was an electrical storm brewing. I was about a mile from home when I noticed the crazy lightening not too far away. I decided to keep going and make it a quick walk, instead of my usual 5 mile trip. As I rounded a corner and thought to myself I had made a bad decision, I saw a car parked in the middle of the street. I realized it was my paranoid Mom, who is a weather freak and came looking for me. She said she had driven by me, but didn't think it was me at first because I looked so skinny - she thought I was a high school girl out walking! My Mom is not one to hand out compliments, but about every other day she tells me how great I look, and how KBs having really transformed my body. This is the first time in a long time that I look in the mirror and don't totally pick myself apart. Too bad the rest of my life sucks.

workout Post

2008-07-18T21:21:00.003-05:00

325 reps - can't up the weights without sacrificing the numbers.

I actually restarted my gymboss after swinging 20 reps with the 8kg. I was in a pissy mood anyway, and it was doing nothing for me. I thought 'this is bullshit. Up your fucking weight already!' So I restarted my gymboss and went with the 12kg. 200 swings with that - mostly alternating between sets of single transfers, and single swings of 5 per arm (one minute sets). Then 100 singles with the 16kg. I finished off with a mish mosh of snatches and C&P with the 12kg. I really need to not wait until the end when I'm tired to do snatches. Especially with a heavier weight. Ow.

2008-07-18T13:21:00.004-05:00

What other people are seeing as anti-social behavior, or me being pissy and uncooperative, I know it's me being healthy and looking out for me. I can't keep putting myself last on the list of priorities. I have to start saying 'no' to some people, so I can say 'yes' to me.

I felt such overwhelming relief last night. I turned down doing the big Progressive Dinner this fall, I severed a few ties that were unhealthy, and I just felt like a weight was gone. I took a long walk, listened to the new NIN album, and looked at the moon. It was low and hazy, and Vega was visible just above it, a brilliant glistening blue-white. There's something so peaceful walking in the dark, observing the creatures that come out: slugs, opossums, grey foxes, bats, frogs, spiders spinning webs down from street lamps. Down by the creek, I can hear crickets and bullfrogs. There's no one out, just me. I felt so at peace. I thought 'I can't change who I am, any more than I can change who anyone else is.' I feel like the last year has been like playing dress up as a little girl: trying something new on for size, seeing if it worked, if it fit. If these types of people were true and loyal and friends. But it was just a masque, just play acting, just make believe. And the oddest part is: I don't feel sad. I don't feel like I've lost anything. You can't lose something you never had to begin with. So I just sighed and breathed, listen to more music, and looked at the moon.

.Did you think that your feet had been bound
By what gravity brings to the ground?
Did you feel you were tricked
By the future you picked?
Well, come on down

All those rules don’t apply
When you’re high in the sky
So, come on down
Come on down

Where I go to therapy and have a breakdown, and a breakthrough

2008-07-17T15:06:00.003-05:00

"I was taught to desire nothing, to swallow other people's misery, and to eat my own bitterness. And even though I taught my daughter the opposite, still she came out the same way. Maybe it is because she was born to me and she was born a girl, and I was born to my mother and I was born a girl, all of us like stairs, one step after another, going up, going down, but always going the same way. No, this cannot be, this not knowing what you're worth, this not begin with you. My mother not know her worth until too late - too late for her, but not for me. Now we will see if not too late for you, hmm?"

I thought of this quote from the Joy Luck Club while I was talking to my shrink today. I had an immense breakthrough in regards to me having no self worth, no self esteem. I never feel that my love, or friendship, or anything is as good as everyone else's. I don't know why. Maybe it's because my mother was the same. No matter how fast I run, how I high I jump, how perfect I try to be, I will fail. I do so much for people who don't deserve it, in hopes of being loved, being admired, being cherished as a friend. I do nothing for me. I don't typically see myself as having any worth at all. At what point do I walk away from the bullshit of my childhood and say 'enough'? Because I think I'm there. I think I'm done feeling like this.

Where I'm bored as hell

2008-07-16T18:13:00.003-05:00

Really, I am so bored I can't stand it. Addie is asleep (at 6:13 at night. Meaning, she'll be up until midnight). I am bored with cleaning, bored with TV, don't feel like weeding the garden, my back hurts, and I'm still in the throws of a hideous period. Whine whine whine. Wine? That actually sounds good. Or maybe a mojito. Okay, now I have a plan....

Where I dust off my cast iron babies

2008-07-15T11:44:00.003-05:00

My poor neglected kettlebells. They have been so sad and lonely. I think I hear them crying softly at night, and muttering Russian obscenities at me when I pass by carrying laundry.

Okay, well not really, but I have incredibly guilty over not exercising. Mainly because I know it will improve my mood and mental state. And yet, I still have done nothing. Swimming yesterday felt so good, and I came home feeling so relaxed, I decided I have to make at least a little time for me. I only did 320 swings, which is not a lot for me, but I stuck with mostly the 12kg, and did a fair number of snatches - 10 with the 12kg! Most volume I've been able to do with snatches in that weight! So I may feel weaker, but I think it's just a mental perception, rather than a reality. I probably could've done more, but I plan on swimming later this afternoon, so I figure I don't want to overdo it.

I'm supposed to make pies for a few friends, and I feel guilty that I haven't done it yet. Do you see my pattern of guilt at not being perfect? I feel it constantly. I'm trying to take tasks as I can, but I feel daily like I fall short. And being blown off by random 'friends' certainly does not improve my issues of self esteem and worthfulness. So where does that leave me? I don't know. Mostly sad and lost, but putting up a good front for the unwashed masses. Being the best Mom, Daughter, and Wife I can be. Carving out the miniscule time for me. Trying not to think about the future with my Dad. And that's about it.

Where I nut up and soldier on

2008-07-14T15:37:00.003-05:00

I saw a couple of Moms from Henry's school at the pool yesterday. One of them I hadn't seen since school ended. The other I've only seen a few times. These are people I have reached out to. I brought one a pie last week. But they pointedly ignored me and moved to the other side of the pool. I suppose those needier than me would have lap-dogged it over and kissed ass: "love me! Be my friend! Validate my existence!" But that sort of behavior really chaps my ass, and I refuse. If you can't even muster up a 'How's your Dad' because it makes you so uncomfortable to talk about someone who is dying and tragedy touching your perfect little world, than FUCK YOU BOTH.

I came home and took a shower and cried. Today, I am trying to shake off the shitty feeling of worthlessness that's clinging to me. I don't know why I let people get to me like this. I normally don't care quite this much. I think I just thought that what I'm going through would bring out the best in those I know. But the reality is, it brings out the worst. It shows everyone's true colors, glaring weaknesses and an astounding lack of moral compass. So onward I go, trying not to whine, trying not to care that I feel so alone. There are good people and friends in my life, I don't know why I have to let a few selfish tools weigh so heavily on me.

Dad was doing really well for a few days - he was back on high dose steroids, and he was like a different person. But he's been tapered off, and feels shitty again. It's heartbreaking to witness - because he knows he's not as sharp. He knows his energy level is down. It's been rough.

On the fitness front: I no longer care what I eat. Because for every bowl of ice cream I eat, there's a day where I eat nothing. I have a couple dresses that were tight on me last summer, that are falling off me now. I haven't done any swinging in what seems like forever. Or walking. I just don't eat and don't care and watch the scale slowly creep down. Whoopity do. Does it matter? No, my Dad is still dying.

Pity, party of moi

2008-07-09T20:02:00.004-05:00

As much as I think I could do Anne Sexton better than Anne Sexton (or Sylvia Plath), no I have not taken a handful of pills and sat in my garage with the engine running. My van wouldn't even fit, the garage is too small. I kid, I kid. Dark, ominous, inappropriate kidding.

Not that I am not in a horrible place, and think bad things. But they're just thoughts, and trust me, I have had my hand on the phone off and on today, thinking "is it time for that 3 day stay at the psych ward?" But I'm not there yet. I am however, taking a wee break from my Dad, who is being incredibly douchy and pissy. My kids have had a craptastic summer, and I have to get them out of the house and to the pool. To expect them to sit in a dark house while my father sleeps off and on and listen to his nonstop criticism of them.... it's just unacceptable. Henry said to me today "Apaa rolls his eyes at you a lot." Yeah, kid, I know. I know.

It's incredibly hard to go through this. Even more so, alone. I cannot paint a smile on anymore. I cannot be perky for acquaintances who can't handle the truth. And if one more asshole says "he seems FINE!", I am going to cut a bitch. Fer reals, y'all.

In other news, I let Henry get a mohawk. Well, more of a fauxhawk, but he wears it better than that Maddox Jolie-Pitt kid could any day of the week.

Double angry Henry, looking like the badass he is:

*and thank you all for the comments, I read them and appreciate anyone that take the time to read my crap and write to me. I heart you all.

2008-07-09T10:45:00.003-05:00

I just can't do it anymore. Things are so bad, and I feel some days like my children would be better of without me. I am no good to them right now. I have nothing to offer them but the frustration I take out on them day after day. Shit runs downhill, and I have so much shit heaped on me, I'm drowning in it. I can't stop crying. I'm barely functioning, and i remain utterly and totally isolated.

2008-07-03T11:24:00.000-05:00

I'm just so lonely and tired. I feel so isolated.

Where I feel like a badass and still am pissy.

2008-06-29T21:59:00.003-05:00

600 swings - I think the first 2 sets (one minute sets as usual, approx 40 reps in a swing set, 20 reps in a snacth set) were with the 8kg, one set of swings and one of snatches, then I switched up to the 12kg, where I alternated between single transfers, and swinging 5 or 10 times per arm before transferring. Do I make sense? Sometimes I feel like I don't make any sense when I try to describe my routines. I never plan before hand what I'm going to do, and then if I don't blog right away, I forget exactly what the breakdown was. Anyway, somewhere in there I got 14o swings with the 16kg. Singles. One full one minute set (OUCH) and then the last 100 swings were with the 16- broken down in 30 second sets. My grip was shot towards the end. In fact, it's hurting even to type. I wish the handle wasn't so wide on the 16kg. I have tiny ass hands.

I am fucking exhausted. I can't even begin to verbalize it - there's just so much expected of me these days, it takes superhuman planning to carve out any time for myself whatsoever. I have had moments where I have honestly wondered if I'm going to wind up in a psych ward for a few days. It's been that bad. And it's nothing I can speak of to my family or even that many people close to me. I'm raved about as the good daughter, the good wife, I'm expected to play my dutiful role and not complain. Most days I just feel so very alone. In the beginning, when you have a sick family member, people rush in to help. They call all the time, bring food, offer to take meals. But as time goes on, the novelty wears off. No one calls - not even the person who IS sick. So my Dad sits alone most days, staring off into space. I take on the responsibility of entertaining him, keeping him busy. My mom is hanging by a thread, and I feel I have to help her. I know I have to help her. But it's just her and me. No one calls me anymore. (I'm not counting you, Hillary. You were like, the only one to call and say 'please let me help') I'm starting to feel a little bitter. There are women who I truly thought were my friends, and it's like I don't exist.

A lot of times people don't know what to say. They don't want to hear anything depressing. I never know what to say when people do ask how things are. Do they want the truth? Do they want to know that my Dad has gone through a complete personality change? Do they want to know that he takes his anger and frustration out on me and my Mom? That he has suffered brain damage from the tumors and will never be the same? And finally, despite this good news, do they want the balls out truth - that this disease is not curable, and it will kill him eventually.

No, no one wants to hear it. But that's what it is. It's a terrible, ugly disease that takes over everyone's life. We are all consumed. And we are all very much alone. I wish I blog this on the CaringBridge site, but God forbid. I have to blow sunshine out my ass there, when most days, I want to cry.

Where we get good news for a change

2008-06-28T09:40:00.003-05:00

Of the 2 tumors in Dad's brain, one is totally gone. The other one has shrunk considerably, and there is a little swelling and bleeding around it - which is normal, considering tumors create their own vascular systems. The tumor in his lung has also shrunk, and the tumor on his spine is totally gone. I am still in shock, we were prepared for the worst, and to get such great news is just.... well, I have no words.

My friend Scott came over last night with his massage table, and I got a lovely treat. It was a good cap to a generally crappy week. It was really nice to lay in my own family room and chat with my husband while I got a kick ass massage. I slept well, and feel ready to swing today - especially after Scott commented on my kick ass arms and shoulders. Time to pick up that 16kg again.

Where I hate everyone

2008-06-26T10:08:00.003-05:00

The Cancer Center screwed up, his appointment wasn't yesterday, it's tomorrow. They were totally unapologetic assholes. It was a bad day, all around.

Bryan has shingles. Basically, it's dormant chicken pox that manifests for unknown reasons, though stress can be a factor. He's got these really awful puss-filled bumps all over his trunk, and is in a lot of pain. They caught it in time to give him anti-viral meds. If he'd waited a few more days, they wouldn't have been able to give him anything for it. He's on the same stuff they give people for herpes. I told him that's what he gets for sleeping with those dirty women down by the wharf! Whores!

Then today, Tyler had this awful headache that hit him like a ton of bricks - he was crying, and he is not a crier. I called the endo, because I'm pretty sure it's a side effect of the Humatrope, so we'll see him later today. Today is a day where I'm asking God, without a touch of irony, 'what the fuck are you doing? 'Cause dude? I am DONE.'

So that's it. I have no time to workout anymore. Or eat. Weight is falling off, but unfortunately, I'm sure I'm losing muscle mass, too. I'd rather still be 135 and have the muscle than be 130 and feel weak. But I just don't want to eat. Food doesn't taste good. I literally only eat when I start to feel hypoglycemic and crappy. I eat to keep from passing out. And I drink coffee. That's about it.